stream of consciousness

start.


In this unforgivable loneliness
found along the outskirts of pleasant solitude and an aching
inescapable ineptitude

pause

breathing becomes running and
gasping is the contempt of both running
and breathing intertwined

pause


millions of people everyday wish
they could be buried underneath all their
muddy obligations so as to avoid being on top
of it

pause


the first reason a boy ever kissed me became
the same reason I kissed every boy afterwards


pause


a vertiginous mind is not only extremely confused
but rather incapable of logical absolution


pause

the child became as submissive as a cloud
looming over everything; unintentionally omniscient


pause

the pain you cause is irrevocable; the actions you make are unalterable;
the words you speak are specks of dust- constant and lost in your thickly
perfumed air

pause


a pistol's shot shatters
into a million pieces in your brain


crack.

crack.

crack.

end.

I was watching Harry Potter

the fifth one
and this conversation stood out to me:

Harry Potter: This connection between me and Voldemort, what if the reason for it is that I’m becoming more like him. I just feel so angry, all the time. And what if after everything I’ve been through, something’s gone wrong inside me. What if I’m becoming bad.
Sirius Black: I want you to listen to me very carefully Harry. You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who bad things have happened to. You understand?
Sirius Black: Besides, the world isn't split into good people and death eaters. We have all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the power we chose to act on. That’s who we really are.


People aren't split into good and bad and that includes me. I'm never going to either be good or bad, I'm always going to be split in between and I must take responsibility for whatever I parts of me I choose to act upon.
I think I'm too hard on myself and probably everyone else as well.
One day I'll be the person I've always wanted to be.

I wish I were ):

I'd like to be the apple
that falls straight from the tree
without perplexing nature
or strange anomaly

I'd like to be the ripples
on the surface of the sea
encouraging no purpose
from my entity and being

I'd like to the the dewdrops
on the corners of a flower
no courageous intention
to have riches or have power

I'd like the be the breeze
so deliberately tender
enough to nip pink cheeks
within the coldness of November

I'd like to be other
than the characters of life
to experience sweet candor
and never it be strife

I wish I

could delete memories as easily as I could delete my myspace and my blogs. I used to think that myspace was full of sentiments with people and that's why i was so afraid of deleting it. Now I realize that it's not the message or the comments that make you connect with people, it's the time you're willing to take out of your day to take others into consideration. The thing is though, that myspace is what you do when you're bored, a sort of last resort. I don't think of people as a last resort and I never should. If I'm going to connect with people, it's going to be upfront and personal. A real social and interactive experience. Face to face.

I deleted it because I felt more alone because of it than without it. So there.